The Courage to Quit: Finding Strength in Letting Go
In American culture, persistence is deeply valued. From childhood stories like “The Little Engine That Could” with its famous “I think I can” mantra to our collective admiration for those who overcome obstacles, Western society celebrates tenacity above almost all else. But what if sometimes the bravest thing isn’t to persevere but to let go? Psychological experts like Andreea Gavrila from Université du Québec à Montréal are challenging our one-sided view of determination, suggesting that as we approach the new year, instead of adding more goals to our lives, we might consider what we need to release.
When we cling to goals that have become emotionally or financially draining, or that no longer align with our life circumstances, the consequences can be severe. Research shows that pursuing ill-fitting goals can trigger both physical and mental health problems. The difficulty is that letting go often carries a stigma that persisting doesn’t. Quitting can feel like failure, especially when a goal has become intertwined with our identity. As Gavrila notes, relinquishing a goal isn’t a simple, one-time decision but a process that can take months or even years, similar to the difference between breaking up with someone and truly moving on from them. The journey of letting go is often messy and painful, but when we finally release goals that no longer serve us, we create space for new dreams and possibilities.
Our reluctance to quit appears to be hardwired into human nature. Computational cognitive scientist Rachit Dubey from UCLA demonstrated this through a simple button-pushing game with over 3,500 participants. Players had 100 chances to push buttons of different colors that delivered points at varying probabilities. They could switch to a new button at any time but couldn’t return to previous choices. Despite the low stakes, participants consistently stuck with their chosen buttons far beyond what mathematical models showed was optimal, exploring relatively few options before settling on a final choice. Dubey points out that if people struggle to quit even in this consequence-free environment, real-life situations with emotional investments make abandoning goals even more difficult. This phenomenon, known as the sunk-cost bias, affects not just humans but other animals as well, revealing our deep aversion to giving up on investments of time, energy, or resources.
Fascinatingly, brain research offers additional insights into our relationship with persistence and quitting. Researchers in the United Kingdom studied individuals with damage to the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (vmPFC), a brain region involved in future planning. When these individuals played a seafood-gathering video game requiring strategic choices about when to switch tactics, they actually outperformed people without brain damage. Those with vmPFC damage were more willing to abandon their current strategy when a better option became available, displaying a more rational approach to the game. However, this same tendency to easily give up pursuit of goals makes real-life functioning difficult for these individuals, as they struggle to maintain the consistent effort required for jobs and relationships. Their experience suggests that while our natural reluctance to quit can sometimes hold us back, it also provides valuable stability in our lives.
The motivation behind our goals significantly influences whether we persevere or quit effectively. Nikos Ntoumanis, a motivation science expert at the University of Southern Denmark, explains this using weight loss as an example. Someone pursuing weight loss because family members shame them about their appearance is less likely to succeed long-term than someone motivated by personal desires for better health. This inner drive versus external pressure distinction applies not only to sticking with goals but also to letting them go. Research tracking individuals who were abandoning long-term goals found that those quitting primarily due to external pressures experienced more “inaction crises” – continuing to question their decision to quit and struggling to truly move on. Those with internal motivations for quitting were better able to complete the disengagement process and redirect their energy.
Researchers are still developing a deeper understanding of when and how to quit goals effectively. The psychological process of letting go remains underexplored compared to the vast literature on perseverance. Experts suspect that insights from related fields such as grief research and acceptance studies may provide valuable guidance. Even less developed is research on how to fill the void left by abandoned goals, though preliminary evidence suggests that focusing on improving overall mood, finding broader purpose, and enhancing life satisfaction can help. What is increasingly clear is that clinging to goals that have outlived their usefulness can be more harmful than helpful. Sometimes, contrary to the little engine’s famous mantra, the most courageous and life-affirming statement might be “I think I can’t” – followed by the hopeful question, “What might I do instead?”
