Hoda Kotb’s Reflections on Marriage, Divorce, and Finding Joy

In her newly released memoir “Jump and Find Joy: Embracing Change in Every Season of Life,” Today Show host Hoda Kotb opens up with remarkable candor about her first marriage to Burzis Kanga and the valuable life lessons she gained from the experience. With characteristic warmth and honesty, Kotb reveals how societal expectations influenced her decision to marry, describing it not as a passionate leap of faith but rather as something she “slipped into” because it seemed like the logical next step in her life’s journey. “We let the idea that we should be married by now influence us,” writes the 61-year-old television personality, explaining that when Kanga proposed during a Central Park horse ride, she accepted with a mindset of “might as well” rather than genuine enthusiasm. This thoughtful reflection highlights how easily we can find ourselves making life-altering decisions based on external timelines rather than authentic desire.

Though Kotb and Kanga’s marriage lasted from 2005 to 2008, she explains that their relationship lacked the essential foundation needed for long-term success. Despite the absence of major conflicts, she writes that they “both knew” their union “wasn’t really right for either” of them and wouldn’t “go the distance.” Yet Kotb approaches this chapter of her life with remarkable grace, refusing to frame it as a mistake or failure. “I don’t regret that time in my life because every experience gets you a little bit closer to where you are today — where you were meant to be,” she reflects in her memoir. This perspective offers a powerful lesson in how our supposed missteps often serve as necessary waypoints on the journey to where we’re truly meant to be. She imagines that if someone had paused them before marriage to ask if it was what they really wanted, both would have likely admitted it wasn’t.

Following her divorce from Kanga, Kotb eventually found love with financier Joel Schiffman, with whom she built a relationship that evolved into a family. Their partnership progressed thoughtfully—dating quietly for two years before going public in 2015, adopting daughter Haley in 2017, and welcoming a second daughter, Hope, in 2019. The same year they expanded their family with Hope, Schiffman proposed to Kotb, seemingly cementing their future together. However, in January 2022, Kotb revealed on her show “Hoda & Jenna” that after eight years together, she and Schiffman had decided to end their romantic relationship. With the same wisdom that characterizes her reflections on her first marriage, Kotb explained their breakup by saying, “They say sometimes relationships are meant to be there for a reason, for a season or for a lifetime. And I feel like ours was meant to be there for a season.”

What stands out most about Kotb’s journey through love and heartbreak is her refusal to cast blame or harbor resentment. In discussing her separation from Schiffman, she emphasized that no dramatic incident prompted their split; rather, they simply recognized that their romantic partnership had reached its natural conclusion. This mature perspective extends to how she views Schiffman himself, whom she described on “The Jamie Kern Lima Show” podcast in 2024 as “one of the best people I know.” With profound insight, she added, “I feel like I’m a pretty great human being, but sometimes two great human beings together isn’t quite enough to make it work.” This observation reflects a deep understanding that compatibility in relationships involves more than just two good people coming together—it requires alignment in numerous dimensions that can’t always be forced, no matter how much goodwill exists.

Perhaps most impressive is how Kotb and Schiffman have prioritized their children’s wellbeing above any personal disappointment or lingering attachment to what might have been. Speaking exclusively to Us Weekly in November 2022, Kotb shared that their “ultimate goal is when your girls are happy,” adding, “That’s what we both say, ‘Happy girls, that’s all we want.'” She described their coparenting arrangement as “really good” with “a nice mix” of time spent with each parent. This commitment to creating a healthy environment for their daughters demonstrates how evolved relationships can become after romantic love has ended—not as enemies or mere acquaintances, but as partners in the ongoing project of raising children who feel secure and loved, regardless of their parents’ relationship status.

Kotb’s memoir title “Jump and Find Joy” encapsulates her philosophy toward life’s challenges and transitions. Rather than clinging to outdated relationships or lamenting paths not taken, she advocates for embracing change with courage and optimism. Her journey from a marriage entered into with hesitation to a relationship that brought her children and eventually to life as a single mother demonstrates that joy isn’t found in perfect circumstances but in authentic choices and meaningful connections. Through her willingness to share these intimate reflections, Kotb offers readers permission to reconsider their own life decisions without harsh judgment, to recognize when relationships have served their purpose, and to move forward with hope rather than regret. Her story reminds us that happiness isn’t necessarily found in forever commitments but in being true to ourselves and nurturing the relationships that matter most—particularly those with our children—even as romantic partnerships evolve or end.