When Obsessive Love Is Actually a Symptom: Understanding Limerence in Borderline Personality Disorder

Have you ever found yourself completely consumed by thoughts of another person, checking your phone obsessively for messages, or riding emotional waves based solely on their attention? This intense fixation might feel like love, but as Professor Ahmed Hankir explains, it could actually be something called limerence—a particularly challenging symptom sometimes experienced by people with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). In a viral TikTok video with over 650,000 views, Dr. Hankir describes limerence as one of the “least known but most painful” symptoms associated with BPD, a condition affecting between 1.6% and 5.9% of adults in the United States. While this obsessive attachment might seem like devoted love from the outside, it often creates significant distress for those experiencing it, who feel powerless against the overwhelming preoccupation with another person.

Borderline Personality Disorder itself is characterized by difficulties regulating emotions, leading to intense mood swings, impulsive behaviors, unstable relationships, and poor self-image. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), people with BPD often experience an intense fear of abandonment, prolonged emotional turmoil, and may engage in self-harm or suicidal behaviors. It’s within this context that limerence can emerge as a particularly difficult experience. The British Psychological Society defines limerence as an intense, obsessive infatuation with one person, marked by intrusive thoughts, extreme sensitivity to their behavior, and emotional turbulence connected to perceived reciprocation. These feelings can dominate a person’s daily life for anywhere from 1.5 to 3 years. Though limerence can occur in people with BPD, it’s important to note that it’s not a diagnostic criterion for the disorder, nor is it exclusive to those with the condition.

The experience of limerence creates what Dr. Hankir describes as a psychological imprisonment. Those affected often describe feeling completely beholden to their infatuation, with emotional dependence, abandonment fears, and intrusive thoughts dominating their internal world. “It is exhausting, destabilizing, and can disrupt every aspect of life — concentration, work, sleep, and relationships,” he told Newsweek. In his TikTok examples, he illustrates how individuals may desperately crave attention from someone who is emotionally unavailable, where even the smallest sign of interest can trigger euphoria. The object of fixation “becomes the centre of your universe even if they are dismissive, abusive, or rude,” highlighting the painful disconnect between the intensity of feelings and the reality of the relationship. Some people experiencing limerence recognize something is wrong because their thoughts become unmanageably intrusive, while others may only recognize the pattern later or when someone else points it out.

The symptoms of limerence extend beyond simply thinking about someone often. They include persistent intrusive thoughts that are difficult to control, idealizing the person to an unrealistic degree, experiencing intense anxiety over delayed responses to messages, difficulty focusing on other aspects of life, feeling emotionally “addicted” to the person, and experiencing an almost euphoric high from even small signs of attention or reciprocation. When these feelings become compulsive, uncontrollable, and distressing, Dr. Hankir emphasizes that professional help becomes important. But what causes this intense attachment pattern in the first place? According to Dr. Hankir, “Limerence often emerges when someone is desperately seeking emotional security and validation.” He notes that many people with BPD have experienced childhood abandonment or neglect, and at an unconscious level, they may be attempting to prevent that experience from ever happening again by becoming emotionally fused with someone who represents safety or idealized love.

Many people with BPD describe having had an “inconsistent or emotionally absent caregiver” during childhood, which leads them as adults to “unconsciously” recreate this dynamic—often chasing someone uninterested in them in an attempt to finally earn the love they lacked as children. This pattern can be particularly devastating because sufferers may lose their own sense of identity in the process. However, not all experts view limerence as the worst symptom of BPD. Clinical psychologist Dr. Tracey King argues, “I wouldn’t say limerence is the worst emotional experience linked to BPD, partly because emotional pain is deeply individual.” Dr. King adds that limerence actually serves a psychological function: “For some, intense attachment becomes a way of defining the self when their internal identity feels fragile, offering temporary grounding while reinforcing the abandonment fears they long to escape.” This perspective highlights how these patterns, while painful, develop as attempts to meet deep emotional needs.

Despite the challenges, BPD—which Dr. Hankir describes as “one of the most misunderstood and stigmatized mental health conditions”—is treatable. A range of therapeutic approaches can help individuals build a more secure sense of self, reduce emotional reactivity, and develop healthier, more balanced relationships. For those experiencing limerence, recognizing the pattern is an important first step. Understanding that these intense feelings may reflect deeper emotional needs rather than true compatibility can help create space for healing. With proper support and treatment, people with BPD can learn to form relationships based on genuine connection rather than desperate attachment, developing a stronger sense of self that doesn’t depend on another person’s validation or attention. Though the path isn’t easy, increased awareness and reduced stigma around conditions like BPD continue to improve access to the help that can make a meaningful difference.