The Unintended Consequences of Mistaking “Gentle Parenting” for “Permissive Parenting”

In a candid confession that has resonated with parents nationwide, mother Jaclyn Williams recently shared her parenting journey and the important lessons she learned along the way. Williams went viral after posting on Instagram about how she “accidentally raised anxious, entitled, people-pleasing kids” by misinterpreting what gentle parenting truly means. Her story highlights a common misconception that many well-intentioned parents fall into: confusing boundary-setting with harshness. “I validated every emotion, processed feelings extensively, explained every boundary, compromised on things, avoided harsh punishments,” Williams explained in her post. She genuinely believed she was following the gentle parenting playbook perfectly. The approach seemed ideal in theory—creating emotionally intelligent children who felt seen and heard. However, as her children grew older, Williams began to notice concerning patterns in their behavior that made her question everything she thought she knew about raising confident, well-adjusted kids.

The consequences of Williams’ parenting approach became increasingly apparent as her children developed distinctly problematic coping mechanisms. One child developed severe anxiety, struggling with even minor decisions like choosing a snack. This child became entitled, treating every boundary as negotiable, while simultaneously lacking confidence in their own abilities and struggling with emotional regulation. Her other child developed in the opposite direction, becoming a people-pleaser who suppressed their own emotions and withdrew socially. The realization that her parenting style had contributed to these issues devastated Williams. “I cried a lot,” she admitted in her post. “I had tried SO hard to do everything right… to do things different from what I had growing up.” This emotional admission resonates with many parents who strive to improve upon their own upbringing while navigating the confusing landscape of modern parenting philosophies.

The turning point came when Williams recognized that what she had been practicing wasn’t actually gentle parenting at all—it was permissive parenting disguised as gentleness. True gentle parenting combines warmth and empathy with clear, consistent boundaries and appropriate consequences. Permissive parenting, by contrast, overemphasizes emotional validation while underdelivering on structure and limits. Williams had inadvertently slipped into a style that prioritized avoiding conflict and discomfort over providing the framework children need to develop resilience and self-discipline. This revelation prompted her to adjust her approach, adopting what she describes as “authoritative parenting”—a research-backed blend of “high warmth” and “high structure” that provides both emotional support and clear expectations. This balance, she discovered, was what her children had needed all along.

The results of Williams’ parenting shift were both remarkable and swift. She observed significant positive changes in her children’s behavior and emotional well-being: “less anxiety over decisions, more confidence trying new things, less negotiating/entitlement and better regulation.” By establishing firm boundaries while maintaining emotional connection, Williams found that her children actually felt more secure, not less. The structure provided a framework within which her children could make choices appropriate for their age and development, rather than feeling overwhelmed by too many options or frustrated by endless negotiations. This balance helped address both the anxiety in one child and the people-pleasing tendencies in the other, suggesting that children thrive when parents provide both love and limits in appropriate measure.

Williams’ story sparked extensive discussion across social media, with parents sharing their own experiences and interpretations of gentle parenting. Many commenters emphasized the distinction that Williams herself had come to understand—that true gentle parenting includes boundaries. As one commenter put it: “Gentle parenting isn’t the same as permissive parenting. Gentle parents still hold hard boundaries.” Another added: “Gentle parenting is simply not beating or yelling at your kids when you can’t handle them and I will stand by that. Doesn’t mean you’re letting them do whatever they want.” These comments reflect the ongoing conversation among parents about how to balance compassion with discipline in ways that support children’s development rather than hinder it.

Williams’ parenting journey offers valuable insights for all parents navigating the complex terrain of raising emotionally healthy children. She clarified in response to comments that she used quotation marks around “gentle parenting” specifically to highlight how easily parents can slip into permissive patterns without realizing it. Her story serves as both a cautionary tale and a hopeful reminder that parenting approaches can be adjusted when they’re not working. The key takeaway isn’t that gentle parenting is flawed, but rather that misinterpreting it can lead to unintended consequences. Effective parenting—whether called gentle, authoritative, or something else—requires both emotional attunement and appropriate boundary-setting. Williams’ experience reminds us that parenting is a learning process, and that recognizing and correcting course when necessary is not a failure but an essential part of raising children who are both emotionally aware and capable of navigating life’s challenges with confidence and resilience.