Finding Peace and Maturity During Holiday Family Gatherings

There’s a certain irony to the holiday season – a time when many adults return home only to find themselves slipping back into childhood behaviors and emotions. Mental health professionals call this phenomenon “holiday regression,” and it’s a common experience that can transform confident, accomplished adults into anxious, reactive versions of their teenage selves. Alex Iacovitti, a marriage and family therapist from Santa Clarita, California, explains that this regression isn’t just common—it’s practically inevitable. “We really develop who we are as people within our family system,” Iacovitti notes. “We learn what parts of us are acceptable, what’s not, what gets us attention.” While we may develop stronger senses of self as we age, returning to our childhood homes often places us back into long-established roles that can make us feel that certain aspects of our personalities remain unacceptable. This tension creates stress that can trigger a “fight or flight” response, shutting down our logical reasoning and activating the primitive survival mechanisms we developed as children.

Many successful adults who command respect in their professional and personal lives find themselves reverting to adolescent behaviors when surrounded by family during the holidays. Liz Coin, a 28-year-old actor and comedian from New York City, recognizes this pattern in herself during her annual Christmas trips to Bettendorf, Iowa. Despite enjoying time with her family, Coin admits her patience thins as the visit progresses: “I’m quicker to pick a fight, or turn into an angsty teen.” She recently found herself delivering an impassioned teenager-like lecture to her father about the dangers of artificial intelligence. Beyond just emotional responses, Coin also notices herself doubting her adult capabilities during extended stays in her hometown. “When I’m home for too long, I start feeling like a baby—like I have to ask my parents, ‘Oh, can I do this? Can I borrow the car?'” These feelings arise despite her being “a grown adult with money” who is fully capable of independence.

This blurring of boundaries between adult independence and childhood dependence is a common struggle during holiday visits. Lauren Hyland, a 34-year-old mindset coach from Pittsburgh, has learned to address these challenges proactively during her family’s two-week holiday visits with her parents and brother. Hyland recalls a pivotal moment from a previous trip when a family member criticized her parenting style, suggesting she wasn’t disciplining her children harshly enough. Rather than retreating into childhood patterns of compliance, Hyland established a clear adult boundary: “We are going to parent the way we believe is right. I would appreciate you not stepping in on that.” This moment, which would have earned her punishment as a child, instead led to what Hyland describes as a “great conversation” that deepened their relationship. This experience taught her that “addressing things early and in a calm, neutral manner can really have a huge effect on growing your relationships beyond the foundational stuff, like when you were a kid.”

Having support systems in place can make a tremendous difference when navigating family dynamics during the holidays. Hyland describes her husband’s support during stressful family moments as “the single greatest thing” that’s ever happened to her. This practice, which Iacovitti calls “co-regulation,” can be replicated with partners or friends when family tensions rise. When you can express vulnerability about regressing into childhood patterns—”I feel like I’m back in this environment where my parents aren’t showing up for me, and I don’t feel like I’m seen again”—having someone validate your experience can be tremendously grounding. A supportive partner or friend can acknowledge your struggle and remind you that you’re not alone, helping to maintain your adult perspective even when family dynamics threaten to pull you backward.

For those who find themselves struggling to maintain their holiday spirit amid challenging family dynamics, Iacovitti recommends mental preparation combined with empathy as powerful tools. Before entering potentially triggering family environments, she suggests acknowledging the likelihood of regression: “This is likely going to happen when I get into this environment—my body’s going to have a reaction.” When receiving potentially hurtful messages from family members, try reframing them as reflections of their own pain rather than indicators of your shortcomings. This perspective shift can help maintain emotional equilibrium during stressful interactions. The ability to see family members as complex individuals with their own unresolved hurts, rather than perfect authorities or persistent critics, represents a true step into emotional maturity.

Ultimately, the feeling of regression when returning home for holidays isn’t a sign of immaturity or failure—it’s simply “a memory that’s stored in your body,” as Hyland puts it. The true mark of adult development isn’t avoiding these feelings entirely, but recognizing them when they arise and choosing how to respond. Family dynamics aren’t fixed or immutable; they can evolve through difficult conversations and thoughtful boundary-setting. As adults returning to family environments, we have the power to establish new patterns and healthier relationships. While the holidays may trigger old insecurities and behaviors, they also offer opportunities for growth, deeper understanding, and the creation of more authentic connections with the people who have known us the longest. By approaching family gatherings with self-awareness, preparation, and compassion—both for ourselves and our relatives—we can transform holiday regression from a source of frustration into a catalyst for meaningful connection.