Dear Abby: Navigating Intimacy and Social Gatherings
The Challenge of Intimate Connection After Surgery
In a heartfelt letter to Dear Abby, a devoted husband shares his struggle with maintaining physical intimacy in his marriage. He describes his wife as “the love of his life” and his “dream girl,” emphasizing that their relationship is fulfilling in almost every way. The couple once enjoyed a vibrant sex life, with intimate encounters three to four times weekly. However, following his wife’s hysterectomy, her desire for physical intimacy diminished significantly. While she’s willing to schedule intimate time, these plans often go unfulfilled as the thought simply doesn’t cross her mind. This leaves him feeling “unwanted and undesired,” despite being otherwise happy in the relationship. He values his wife deeply, appreciating how supportive she is and how she ensures he’s “taken care of in every other way.” As someone who considers himself a sexual person with passionate past relationships, he feels that intimacy is connected to his sense of masculinity. Yet, he remains committed to his marriage, stating clearly that cheating and divorce aren’t options he’s considering—he simply seeks advice on how to address this disconnection.
Finding Balance Between Medical Reality and Emotional Needs
Abby’s response emphasizes open communication as the first step toward resolution. She encourages the husband to share his feelings with his wife just as candidly as he expressed them in his letter. Recognizing that the issue may have a medical component, Abby suggests consulting with the wife’s gynecologist. She explains that sex drives are “hormone driven,” indicating there might be medical interventions available to address the situation. This advice acknowledges the physical changes that can occur following procedures like hysterectomies, which can significantly impact hormone levels and, consequently, sexual desire. As a practical measure, if medical remedies aren’t available or sufficient, Abby recommends that the wife consider setting calendar reminders about their scheduled intimate time. This suggestion offers a compassionate middle ground—recognizing both the husband’s needs for physical connection and the wife’s post-surgical reality, while providing a concrete tool that might help bridge their differences without placing blame or pressure on either partner.
The Social Complexities of Holiday Hosting
In another letter, a different kind of intimate challenge is presented—the social intimacy of holiday gatherings. A woman who enjoys hosting dinner parties describes her preference for keeping gatherings to 12 people, which fits comfortably around her dining table. While she and her husband could theoretically accommodate more guests by rearranging furniture and adding tables, the physical effort required has become increasingly challenging as they’ve aged. Without family nearby during holidays, they invite friends in similar situations to join them. However, this creates a dilemma: they have more friends than their preferred table setting can accommodate. The hostess has tried rotating guests each year, but this approach has led to hurt feelings among those not included in subsequent gatherings. Her question reveals the emotional complexity of maintaining social boundaries while preserving relationships: should they simply celebrate holidays alone to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings?
The Privilege and Boundaries of Hospitality
Abby’s response to the hostess begins with a positive acknowledgment—having too many friends to accommodate is, fundamentally, a fortunate position. She then affirms the couple’s right to determine their guest list, describing this as a “privilege” that comes with being hosts. Abby directly addresses the expectation some guests might have developed: “for someone to assume that, because they have been invited one year, they are entitled to celebrate with you in perpetuity is presumptuous.” This statement clarifies that recurring invitations should be viewed as generous offerings rather than established rights. Abby’s advice provides the hostess with language to navigate potentially awkward conversations with disappointed friends, suggesting she simply explain the truth—that while she values their company, she needs to include other friends as well. Abby emphasizes that honesty in this context isn’t insulting but rather a reasonable boundary.
Giving Yourself Permission to Change Traditions
As a final note to the holiday hosting dilemma, Abby offers another perspective entirely: the freedom to change one’s own traditions. She suggests that if the couple would prefer to do “something different during the holidays,” they should “feel free to do so.” This might even include taking a vacation during holiday periods, which Abby playfully describes as “getting out of Dodge.” This advice recognizes that traditions, even beloved ones, aren’t obligations. It reminds the hostess that her own preferences and comfort deserve consideration alongside those of her friends. This perspective shifts the focus from managing others’ expectations to honoring personal needs and desires—a theme that connects both letters despite their different contexts. Whether navigating physical intimacy after medical changes or social boundaries during holidays, Abby’s guidance emphasizes the importance of honest communication, reasonable boundaries, and self-compassion.
The Heart of Dear Abby’s Enduring Wisdom
These exchanges exemplify why the Dear Abby column has remained relevant for generations. Founded by Pauline Phillips and continued by her daughter Jeanne Phillips (Abigail Van Buren), the column addresses life’s complicated interpersonal challenges with practical wisdom. Both letters deal with intimacy in different forms—physical connection between partners and social connection among friends. In both cases, Abby offers solutions that balance honesty with kindness, acknowledging everyone’s feelings while affirming healthy boundaries. Her advice recognizes that relationships require ongoing negotiation as circumstances change, whether due to medical procedures, aging, or evolving social circles. By suggesting medical consultations for the husband’s concern and straightforward conversations for the hostess’s dilemma, Abby demonstrates that most relationship challenges benefit from direct communication rather than assumption or avoidance. This balanced approach to human connection—honoring both our needs for intimacy and our requirements for boundaries—remains as valuable today as when the column began, offering readers guidance that respects both themselves and their relationships.
