Navigating Love, Family, and High School Drama: Dear Abby’s Wisdom

In the first letter to Dear Abby, a 60-year-old divorcee shares her complicated engagement situation with a Danish man she’s been dating for a year. Despite accepting his marriage proposal, troubling signs have emerged in their relationship. When she lost her second job and faced eviction, her fiancé refused to help financially, despite often boasting about his wealth. She wasn’t asking for extravagant gifts—just $2,000 to keep a roof over her head and her autistic daughter’s head. Instead, he suggested she ask her ex-husband, and as a result, she and her daughter were forced to relocate to another state to live with a friend. This rejection during a crisis revealed concerning aspects of his character and values regarding financial support between partners.

The situation grows more complex when considering the divorcee’s 21-year-old high-functioning autistic daughter. Early in the relationship, the woman had clearly communicated that her daughter would likely need to live with them, asking if this would be a problem. While her fiancé initially said it wouldn’t be an issue, he’s now changed his position dramatically, insisting the daughter “get out as soon as possible” if they move to Denmark—a country where the young woman doesn’t speak the language and would face significant challenges due to her condition. He’s even stated that if the daughter stays, he would live separately in his own apartment. Adding another layer to the problem, he’s also demanded the woman give up her cat. When she expressed her hurt about these ultimatums, he became angry and threatened to end the relationship.

Abby’s response is straightforward and protective: this relationship shows too many red flags to ignore. She points out that the fiancé has demonstrated his true nature through his actions—being tight with money even in a crisis and showing no willingness to accommodate the woman’s daughter despite earlier promises. Abby emphasizes that moving to Denmark won’t change who this man fundamentally is, and for both her sake and her daughter’s, the woman should end the engagement rather than enter a marriage with someone who doesn’t share her values about family support and inclusion.

In the second letter, a different set of relationship problems emerges from a younger correspondent. A high school student writes about a troubling situation involving a boy in the grade above who has been verbally harassing girls who reject him or his friend. His behavior includes “slut-shaming” them and calling them derogatory names like “whores.” The girls have tried to ignore the behavior, but it continues unabated. The writer mentions that while they don’t want to resort to violence, they’re feeling desperate enough that they “might have to,” showing how severe the situation has become in their eyes.

The harassment described reflects a disturbing pattern where rejection leads to verbal abuse aimed at damaging the girls’ reputations—a particularly harmful form of retaliation in high school environments. The writer’s frustration is palpable, suggesting this has been going on for some time without intervention. The consideration of violence, while concerning, demonstrates how desperate these young women feel when faced with ongoing verbal abuse that targets their character and sexuality. The situation highlights the challenges young women face in navigating social relationships where rejection can lead to public humiliation.

Abby’s advice to the high school students is firm and provides a clear action plan. She immediately addresses the mention of violence, emphasizing that it is “never the answer” to such problems. Instead, she outlines a responsible approach: the girls should inform their parents about what’s happening, then report the behavior to teachers and school administrators who have the authority to address it. Her comment about soap and the boy’s mouth, while somewhat old-fashioned, expresses her disapproval of his behavior in terms her readers will understand. Throughout both responses, Abby demonstrates her trademark combination of compassion, practicality, and protective instincts, particularly when it comes to vulnerable individuals facing challenging relationship dynamics.