Allison Holker’s memoir, This Far, offers a poignant and intimate glimpse into her life with the late Stephen "tWitch" Boss, revealing the hidden struggles he faced beneath his radiant public persona. The book chronicles their relationship from their initial meeting to the tragic events leading up to his death by suicide in December 2022, unveiling layers of complexity and pain that were largely concealed from the public eye.
Holker candidly details the discovery of tWitch’s hidden drug use, a jarring revelation that came while preparing for his funeral. She found a collection of drugs, including mushrooms and pills, tucked away in his shoeboxes, a stark contrast to the image of the vibrant, energetic entertainer the world knew. This discovery shed light on tWitch’s internal battles, battles he fought silently to shield his loved ones from the burden of his pain. Holker grappled with the conflicting desires to understand his actions and to protect his memory, a dilemma that echoes throughout the memoir. The revelation of his self-medication attempts underscores the profound impact his past traumas had on his mental health, including the lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse and feelings of abandonment by his biological father.
The couple’s vibrant presence on social media, especially during the COVID-19 pandemic, offered a glimpse into their seemingly perfect family life. However, Holker reveals the pressure tWitch felt to maintain this image of unwavering positivity. This "toxic positivity," as she describes it, created a dissonance between their public portrayal and the private struggles they were facing, adding another layer of complexity to their relationship dynamic. The end of The Ellen DeGeneres Show in 2022, while not a direct cause of his struggles, marked a significant shift in tWitch’s routine. The structured schedule he had maintained for nine years dissolved, leaving him with more time to grapple with his inner demons. Holker reflects on the subtle signs of his deteriorating mental health, including irritability, insomnia, and a disinterest in activities he once enjoyed, recognizing the symptoms of depression that she admits she may have overlooked at the time. She recounts his declining personal hygiene and his growing tendency to make excuses for withdrawing from social activities, highlighting the insidious nature of depression and its ability to manifest in unexpected ways.
Further compounding tWitch’s struggles was an ayahuasca trip, an experience intended for healing and self-discovery that ultimately had the opposite effect. Holker recounts how tWitch’s decision to cut the trip short, without completing the necessary follow-up sessions, left him more vulnerable than before. She acknowledges the potential risks associated with such experiences, particularly for individuals with underlying mental health issues, and notes the distinct change in his energy and demeanor following the trip. This experience, intended to bring resolution, seemingly amplified his internal struggles, adding to the complexity of his emotional landscape.
The memoir also highlights the disturbing nature of tWitch’s burgeoning art collection in his final months. The pieces, often depicting human figures without eyes or with distorted faces, hinted at the turmoil brewing beneath the surface. This shift in artistic taste serves as another poignant indicator of his internal struggles, a silent cry for help expressed through the unsettling imagery he chose to surround himself with.
Holker provides a chilling account of the night before tWitch’s death, recalling his erratic behavior, paranoia, and repeated cryptic statement, "I lied." She describes the confusion and worry she felt, sensing something deeply amiss. He later apologized for his behavior, claiming not to remember his unsettling words, but the incident left a lingering sense of unease. The following morning seemed to offer a return to normalcy, with tWitch apologizing again and shifting the conversation to work. However, this would be their last interaction. Holker describes the agonizing hours that followed, from his departure to take Weslie to school, to the growing concern when he didn’t return home, culminating in the devastating news delivered by the police. She recounts the surreal feeling of the helicopters overhead and the wail of sirens, unaware they were connected to her own tragedy.
In the aftermath of his death, Holker describes finding solace in dreams and what she interprets as signs from tWitch. A dream where he apologized and expressed his love offered a measure of comfort, while the recurring appearance of feathers in their home became a symbol of his continued presence. While initially comforting, the constant reminders eventually became overwhelming, forcing Holker to request a respite from these signs. These experiences, while deeply personal, provide a window into her grieving process and her search for connection with her late husband.
This Far is not just a memoir of loss, but a testament to the enduring power of love and the complexities of mental health. Holker’s willingness to share her story, with its raw honesty and vulnerability, offers a vital conversation starter about the importance of recognizing the signs of struggle, even in those who appear to be thriving. Her account of tWitch’s hidden battles serves as a powerful reminder that mental health challenges can affect anyone, regardless of their outward appearance, and underscores the urgent need for greater understanding, compassion, and support.
